VTrendlines: Surviving divorce with the right approach

Divorce is a fact of American life. As a Vermont clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of children, Richard Finkelstein has been counseling children and parents affected by divorce for most of his career.

Finkelstein, a Montreal native, recently moved to Vermont from New Jersey, where he spent 29 years as a clinical psychologist. At the end of May, he joined Otter Creek Associates, an affiliation of independent practitioners with offices in Burlington, Essex Junction, Charlotte, Brattleboro, Bethel, Manchester and Norwich.

Finkelstein, 64, recently discussed the effects of divorce on children and their parents in Vermont. Excerpts:

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Burlington Free Press: How prevalent is divorce?

Richard Finkelstein: Nationally, the statistics are that between one third and one half of marriages will end up in divorce; rates vary by state. What this means is that in Vermont each year, many children are impacted by what most experts agree is a major life event.

BFP: What is the most damaging effect of divorce?

RF: Divorce is a sad time for families. This is normal, and yet for the vast majority of families, parents and children are able to emerge from a difficult adjustment period. A lot depends on how the parents deal with the divorce and especially its aftermath.

We recommend that parents sit down together to speak to their children. The child should be told that the divorce is not their fault. Parents should be truthful to the extent it is possible. They should keep their message to the children brief. Children do best with bite-size information and become bored with long explanations.

If parents want to guarantee that their divorce will negatively impact the children, they just need to keep fighting and sparring long after it is necessary. While there is usually hostility and anger, there will come a time when it is appropriate to stop the fighting. Continuing to pressure children to align with a parent, using a child as a spy to gain information about the other parent, and repeating negative comments to the child about the other parent, which alienates the child from that parent, are all destructive patterns.

BFP: What are the resources for couples facing divorce?

RF: While strong advocacy and litigation can be necessary in divorce, parents can alternately use a mediation approach, which supports practical solutions that are in the best interests of the children and often can avoid costly and time-consuming litigation. There are important community resources. Couples can talk to their child's doctor, who will be in a good position to offer support and helpful suggestions.

Increasingly, pediatric offices have a child psychologist on site. This child specialist can also provide useful information about the typical effects of divorce on children. This mental health professional will often perform a screening to help guide parents as to what course of action is necessary.

BFP: What are the resources for the children of divorced parents?

RF: A really positive trend is the reduction in stigma associated with divorce. Divorce is common, and, therefore, there are community resources available to children.

I have already mentioned the child's doctor as an important resource. Guidance counselors can be helpful, and it is often appropriate to make the school aware of this important change. Therefore, the child's teacher and the guidance counselor can keep an eye on the child.

There are books written for children about divorce that normalize their thoughts and feelings. A good resource is Magination Press, put out by the American Psychological Association. This press has several books for children of different ages and their parents. It is easier for a child to hear about someone else going through a similar situation so that the focus is away from the child.

BFP: Are some children unable to recover from the divorce of their parents?

RF: Children and their parents are navigating a difficult transition. There may be intense feelings of anger, anxiety and even shame. Acting-out behaviors can occur. However, over time, research shows that the majority of children impacted by divorce are able to lead normal, productive lives.

BFP: What are the most common causes of divorce?

RF: The causes of divorce are many. Each instance is unique depending on many individual factors. Each generation seems to have its own pressures and narrative which leads to marital schism. As an example, the difficult economic times in recent years would be a pressure that could increase marital tension.

BFP: Are younger children generally better able to cope with divorce, or older children?

RF: Children of different ages will react differently due to their differing capacities. Very young children may regress and become more clingy or have bed-wetting accidents.

School-age children may have difficulty concentrating on their school work. They might withdraw from friends. Older teens may act out with drugs or show signs of depression. How each child will cope is affected by many factors.

We might think that the older child is at an advantage because they have the cognitive resources to understand their parents need to divorce. But that same increased capacity can lead to worrying and anxiety. Children may go through an intense adjustment reaction. Parents understandably worry, but often once the divorce is finalized, and parenting-time issues have been decided, children show their resiliency and return to their normal level of functioning.

BFP: Have you seen situations in which divorce is beneficial?

RF: Parents can be relieved that a divorce has finally put a stop to fighting and even domestic violence. Children often fantasize about the reunion of their parents, even though they also tell me that more realistically they see one or both parents as being happier post-divorce. Older children are able to admit that it would be a bad idea for parents to get back together due to the arguing and the fighting. Children do not like loud fighting and arguing.

BFP: Is there enough help to go around for families facing divorce?

RF: We all know that partners are often ill-equipped to deal with the regular stress of living together and raising a family. There is less stigma over getting help for themselves or their children. Fortunately help is available from mental-health professionals.

People seeking help are advised to inquire about a therapist's training and experience working with couples and children, and their approach. I have been suggesting that the majority of children will be all right. But parents do worry, and when they speak to a professional, an important first step is to decide whether counseling is necessary.

One consideration is the impact of the divorce on the child's adaptive functioning in school and at home. A child may be going through an intense reaction, but with support at home and at school they are managing. Alternately, when a child's behavior at home or at school is negatively impacted that can be one indicator for counseling.

BFP: Is divorce almost expected by us as a society?

RF: Because it is quite common, there is much less stigma regarding divorce. A number of generations ago, as my grandmother Millie put it, marriage was for life and divorce was less common. Those days are past. Also, it is true that many more women can support themselves and their children. This trend effectively removes one barrier to divorce. In difficult financial circumstances or during a recession, parents may not have the resources to divorce.

BFP: How would you rate divorce as a damaging influence on children, compared with drugs or alcohol?

RF: Each family situation is unique. Living with drug or alcohol abuse in the home has been well documented as a major stress for children. Also, living with chronically unhappy parents is not much fun for kids either.

The big picture is that a majority of children survive the breakup. With a normal amount of support, these children will turn out just fine as adults. This despite the blunders we make as parents. The one issue over which there is disagreement among professionals is how well children of divorce will do when it comes their turn to have intimate relationships as adults.

But family patterns do not have to be destiny. My own experience as a psychologist suggests that not infrequently, couples take heed from what they have witnessed in their families and redouble their efforts to have strong, healthy relationships. Again, there are many community resources out there to help couples and their children. Accessing these resources can make all the difference.

Richard Finkelstein, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist. He can be reached at Otter Creek Associates on Lake Street in Burlington. 802-864-8201, ext. 903.

Divorce by the numbers

The most recent year for which the Vermont Department of Health has vital statistics on divorce is 2010.

There were 2,388 divorces granted in Vermont in 2010, an increase of 187 from 2009. This represents a rate of 3.8 divorces per 1,000 residents, slightly higher than the 2010 U.S. provisional rate of 3.6 divorces per 1,000 residents.

The median length of marriages ending in divorce was nine years, 11 months, with a range of one month to 55 years, 2 months. Almost 59 percent of divorces followed a separation of a year or longer.

The median age at the time of divorce was 42 for husbands, and 41 for wives.